My performance at Avalon, Hollywood. HQ footage coming soon!
Wednesday, January 29th I perform at the 15th Anniversary Carnival. See the top performers in the world and enjoy great music all night! TIX HERE: www.ChoreographersCarnival.com
I’ll be performing NEW and ORIGINAL music. Be there!
I’m reading this book called One Way Love. Page 30 talks about our exhausted world, how impossible conditions can produce bitterness and shame (paraphrase).
I have a lot of experience with shame, and I’m curious, would I be less ashamed if I expected less of myself? Is setting more reasonable expectations a way to avoid some self-inflicted shaming? If so, should we be teaching ourselves and others to set smart goals instead of lofty ones? But, would that curb our imagination?
Personally, I am pretty cautious and introverted in public, so most of my shame centers on “irresponsible” things I do in private to cope with anxiety and stress. Sometimes the actual behavior is harmless (like taking a long nap), but the heart behind it (hoping to avoid rejection by sleeping through an important audition) is misaligned with how I want to model my life. It’s funny to me: Most of the time, I fail to meet expectations because I’m afraid of failing, and in doing so, never try. I’m ashamed of being less than perfect. I wish I was more.
Setting more reasonable goals and accepting my human limitations does not sound like something I want to do. I’m the girl who dreams of beating all odds, traveling far and wide, breaking records, and accomplishing everything. I’m not very realistic. I’m driven beyond what is sane, probably.
But, it’s important to recognize: As I force myself to work harder, I’m not actually getting closer. The battle against perfectionism and shame is not won through more effort. It’s only prolonged and complicated.
I believe we have to combat perfectionism with an entirely different vocabulary based on freedom: freedom from society’s standards — And for those who are reading from the Christian perspective, freedom from “nailing ourselves to the Law that Christ already fulfilled” as my friend Ellie Schmidly so eloquently puts it.
Going into 2014, I think my keywords will be freedom and balance. I think I want to mature in my understanding of pursuing excellence. I think I’m still missing much of the point.
To learning, to growing, to resetting, to being transformed…